We all have had those mad bad days…a day when a kid has been whiny, annoying, bent on rebelling, bent on fighting and messing things up for you or his siblings…and days when you are stressed and stretched with deadlines to meet and your patience has worn thin. There is something on the kitchen stove, you are at your computer getting a presentation done, and the kids are not doing a single thing you requested them to…And then something snaps and you have one of those evil parent moments you would rather forget. You snap, yell, say something mean, ground the kid or take away something he likes, and something else too because you are on a roll… and threaten to not read any books at bedtime. And then he yells back and runs off to his room while you storm off to yours wondering what had just happened.
Happens to a lot of us…it does…and we are human and allowed to lose it sometimes. But what is more important, now having realized that this really wasn’t how we wanted to deal with things, is what we do after this whole tantrum and meltdown.
Calm down: First of all, calm down, cool off. For some of us that is quick, for some it takes longer. But it is important to give ourselves a little time to simmer down and feel calm. (a follow up conversation when one is mad is probably going to go the same way..again). So finish your work, or take a deep breath, or a walk or shower, or whatever it is that relaxed you.
Reach out: Once you are feeling calmer, go find your kid. He may be upset too and may not want to come running to you and hug you just because you feel ready. Tell him you would like to talk to him. Tell him you are sorry for reacting how you did…explain to him why you got upset and why you are feeling bad for the way you behaved. Do not justify your behavior – it was not the best! Do not defend your actions – simply express what you feel went wrong and how you feel about the way you acted.
Ask your child to talk to you. Ask him how is feeling. Ask him if he felt bad or sad or scared when you got upset. And be okay with his response. He needs to be able to tell you what he felt even though you may not like it. My three year old told me he thought i was an angry mama T-Rex and that he was scared of me. And that I was bad bad bad! It’s fine. Not very flattering but that is probably what I made him feel.
Use his response to apologize again – for the things that you said and the things that he felt. If he does not talk or express himself, then you put down what you felt was wrong and apologize for it anyway.
Give him a hug or a kiss or a cuddle. Communicate that you love him and love him unconditionally, even when you are angry or mad about something. And tell him that mommy makes mistakes too. And then, figure out on your own or with your kids a strategy to ensure that this does not happen again. I have asked mine to tell me when they see me getting upset or building myself into a bit of a frenzy. Just one of them piping in to say “mom – you are getting too upset” or “mom, calm down” helps me stop and rethink my actions. And for myself, somewhere I need to also work out a strategy to slow down when I see myself starting to get upset.
It might help to write down a simple strategy in bold where we can see it regularly – because this will help our kids think about their own behavior too. And perhaps reflect on it every now and then both on my own and together with the kids so we know how we are doing.
(this thought process stems from my meltdown this morning with one of the kids and I really felt like vocalizing it and my thinking would help me as well as others who may be struggling with something similar. WOuld love to hear from other mommies on how to deal with meltdown moments!)